Sadness - Is it only temporary phase in One's life?

Sadness – Is it only a temporary phase in One’s life?

By

Dr. RGS Asthana

Senior Member IEEE

As per WikipediA, “Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness   may  become  quiet  or lethargic,   and   withdraw    himself

from others. An example of severe sadness is depression. Crying is often an indication of sadness.”

Figure above depicts a vocabulary wheel wherein at its centre Robbs has identified six important emotions or feelings in life i.e. happiness, sadness, disgust, anger, fear and surprise.  Although, Robbs drew this wheel with a different aim but the words in each of the quadrant really depict feelings or emotions in one’s life. 

We can consider a very simple view of life which is composed of two emotions only i.e. either being happy or sad.  Therefore, sadness and happiness are two facets of the same coin and may be its edges refer to the transitions (which may include the other feelings described in the wheel). The coin here symbolizes life and happiness, sadness, transitions and neutral phase can come in any order as well as repeat them again and again in one’s life.  Please note that this hypothesis is used only as an example. However, in one’s life the distribution of sadness, happiness and other feelings varies and is not evenly distributed.  It, in fact, is how one looks at a half glass  of water as half full or half empty glass or the glass has 50% water and rest air i.e. its full of water and air and is never empty.  This may, however, only help in determining whether one is optimistic or pessimistic.  Classifying people in two classes only is partially incorrect as there will always be some grey area.  If one learns to live only in the vicinity of present, i.e. one is not busy thinking about his past or future, one is likely to live his life peacefully as sadness like happiness is too only a state of mind.  Some say and is true also to a great extent that one learns from the past, plan the future and live present to the full. 

  

It’s an anomaly that given the same situation someone may be happy and someone sad.  There is a saying that if someone feels happy on a small positive event then there is every possibility that he will feel sad too on a small negative event. The solution therefore, is to train oneself to ignore small positive and small negative events and let life move on.  However, there will be situations when everyone will be sad. It’s normal.  Sadness is a very important emotion because it can help you motivate and help to do something about a distressing situation. You may feel sad for many reasons, like:

a. You have been disappointed

“Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams.”

~Unknown

Disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It is feeling of disgust. It, in fact, includes other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others too subtle to identify. Sometimes, those emotions by themselves are easier to deal with, but disappointment can leave one at a loose end.

Given below are four ways to get rid of disappointment:

1. Let it out. 

Genuinely experiencing emotions, no matter how painful, is one of the beauties of life. Don’t shy away from these moments. Be present in them.

2. Get some perspective of the situation. 

The main advantage of letting it out is that one has given oneself some time to experience ones (his) feelings of disappointment.  Once one has done that, it becomes much easier to get some perspective of the situation.  

Perhaps the person who one feels disappointed by doesn’t even realize/know that they’ve done something to upset him (someone). Maybe they’re stressed out and don’t have the emotional bandwidth to think about it because they aren’t allowing themselves time to experience their emotions.

Rushing onto gaining perspective before one has allowed oneself to be with how he(one) feels will be artificial and will not last.

3. Know your own heart.

Disappointment can ripple through to the core of who you are. If you don’t know what your core values are, you may not have a framework to support you when you experience negative emotions.

4. Practice acceptance.

As human beings, even though we know that some things are bound to happen, we’re not always willing to accept them.  Every time one is disappointed, one (he) feels overwhelmed by one’s (his) emotions. One is inclined to withdraw and blame others, wanting to wallow in one’s disappointment. Each time, one has to accept that one (he) will feel these things again.

b.   You have been ignored

Being left out by a group of friends is really painful for people of all ages. Even though everyone experiences rejection sometimes, being left out can make one (you) feel lonely and sad. To cope with being left out, there are several things that one(you) can do, including understanding why you feel the way that you do, encouraging yourself, and talking to your friends about your feelings. Please do always remember that your feelings are just as important as everyone else's.

c.   You have been misunderstood

This point is best described by the following quote:

“Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.” 

~ Shanon L. Alder

d.   You haven't achieved your goals

The answer to this is, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going!”  So one needs to learn being tough – easy said than done.

It may be noted that during the course of one’s life – everyone experiences rejection, disappointment and/or failure from time to time.  But one trait which sets tough people apart from some others is that, when tough people do get knocked down, they always get back up again.  Not only that but when they get back up, they become stronger, having learned as much from the experience as they can.  So learning from past experience and applying the learning when one faces a similar situation again - is key to do better.

One needs to learn as much as one can from any possible failures; as these really are excellent learning opportunities and these can be used as a blessing in disguise.  And it's always important to focus on the future rather than dwell on the past.  If at first one does not succeed, try, try again!

In the park where I go for morning walks, I see an 88 years old person walking with a stick. He does walk about 180 metres in 12 minutes but meets his goal anyway merely through extreme perseverance.

Parents wish that their siblings should become doctor or engineer or IAS or IPS when they grow up and thus unknowingly put pressure on the little ones.  This wish somehow gets injected into the siblings and with time this wish does become the goal in minds of the siblings.  However, when sibling grow up and do not become or likely to become what their parents wanted it becomes a major concern and leads to sadness.  There are cases when siblings have even committed suicide because of this known parental pressure. The solution is to be happy with whatever one becomes as there is every opportunity to excel in whatever field one is.  Please see example of Ms. Arunima Sinha given in the section e. of this paper where she performed much beyond expectations of her parents irrespective of the circumstances.

e.   You lose something important to you like a loved one or your self-confidence

This group of events refer to an important issue and everyone feels sad. However, e.g., if one loses a relative the sadness quantum and its duration is directly proportional to the closeness of the relative.  The sadness thus caused is temporary in nature and this phenomenon applies to other items in the group too.  One needs to accept that there are things that one can't change. Once this realization occurs the sadness slowly fades away.

Here is a true story of Ms. Arunima Sinha (born 1988). She was a national level volleyball player and was pushed from a running train by thieves in 2011 while she was resisting them. As a result, one of her legs had to be amputated below the knee.

Think of a scenario and level of sadness one encounters when one sees one’s leg cut by a running train and one is lying on the railway track in totally helpless situation. I was recently seeing Arunima’s interview on the TV and she was explaining this scenario.  As per her narration, when she gained consciousness she saw her leg already cut by another train running on the parallel track and she was profusely bleeding. She has to face the situation so she gathered some extra courage and walked with lot of difficulty along the track till some villagers saw her and took her to the Bareilly hospital. Her brother came there. He was extremely sad but she asked him to get best prosthetic fitted so that she can walk again. The appropriate prosthetic was fitted by the doctors in the hospital.  This is a story which depicts extreme sadness and shows exemplarily courage by a person.

While dealing with pitying murmurs of, “Who will marry you now,” and the absurd conspiracy theories that followed, she made a decision. She would climb Mount Everest. In 2013, she did just that, becoming the world’s first female amputee, and the first Indian amputee, to achieve this feat. 

Conclusion

Here is an interesting corporate story.  Once, a CEO of an organization announced in a gathering of all his officers that finally the most negative person in the company who did lot of harm to the company has died. He said that all officers can come one-by-one and take last look at the person.  As people passed through they noticed that the CEO has put a mirror in the coffin and everyone saw his face in the coffin.  The moral of the story is that one really does not know when he has become negative harming the organization as a result.

The second story is about a kid who was holding two apples in his tiny hands.  His father asked him for an apple.  But he took a bite from an apple while his father was observing.  Then he took byte from the other apple and his father was visibly unhappy.  However, then the kid offered one apple to his father saying that this one is sweeter.

So the take from this example is that sometime action is unimportant and could be deceptive from the motive of the person. It is, therefore, a good practise to take time in arriving at a decision.

The morale of this story is that a staircase is a means for going up as well as to come down. It’s your choice what you wish to do.  

It is a known fact that sadness is only a temporary phase in one’s life which can easily be overcome perseverance, courage and determination. Sadness may come many times in one’s life but solution always remains the same. The same applies to happiness too but then one is, generally, not bothered.

Happiness – Is it an attitude or state of mind?

by

RGS Asthana

Senior Member IEEE

Some say that happiness is an attitude and some say it is state of mind. You can make your opinion and to help you arrive at an opinion, I advise you to read following quotes.

“I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.“

Martha Washington

“It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.”

Charles Spurgeon

  

The definition of happiness includes pleasure, contentedness, satisfaction, cheerfulness, joyfulness, gladness, delight, light-heartedness, wellbeing and enjoyment. 

However some are happy

·        Having a best friend or even having a friend who is an idiot

·        With loving and being loved,

·        Being motivated to stay fit,

·        Receiving an unexpected gift or chocolate,

·        Listening to old songs

·        Living to the moment,

·        Spending time with their mom, seeing their mother smile,

·        Watching the person in life cook for them,

·        Sleeping diagonally on bed, getting an hour of proper sleep,  

·        Eating whatever they want and not putting on weight,

·        Shopping,

·        Positive thinking,

·        With an outing with their camera,

·        Following their heart,

·        Texting with someone who is a desk away,

·        Creating,

·        With home made not a choice but an attitude,

·        When someone’s happiness is their happiness that is also interpreted as love,

·        With success not being key to happiness but realizing that, in fact, happiness is key to success,

·        Knowing the fact that happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them,

It is well known fact that happiness in life can be achieved once you have good health/fitness, friends and family, fun and entertainment, satisfaction at work, and last but not the least just good enough finances.  For some all items may be required to achieve happiness and for a few some items out of the above may become optional or even useless.  Please refer once again to the list of items given at the beginning of this article. These items in turn can easily be classified or mapped to the items given in the figure placed below.

Salaried person when retire, they really don’t know what to do in day-time after retirement.  Though in job they had very little time to think about themselves and their families and they only followed a routine day in and day out.  But after retirement they have a vacuum in the office time as everyone at home has his/her routine in which just retired person is not included.  In an attempt to stay fit they take walking or running as a regime. I know a person who started walking after retirement till he was tired. He would walk say 20 Km from home till he had no strength to walk back home. However, his wife would pick him up in a car to take him back home. If she came early then he would refuse to sit in the car so she would drive further to a coffee shop and wait for him to arrive. Is this a way to pass time or a method to derive happiness?  

Here is a small story about happiness. Ram and Prem were neighbors. Ram was a poor farmer and Prem was a landlord.

Ram used to be very relaxed and happy. He never bothered to close the doors and windows of his house at night. He had deep sound sleeps. Although he had no money he was peaceful.

Prem used to be very tense always. He will never forget to close the doors and windows of his house at night. He could not sleep well as he was always worried that someone might break open his safes and steal away his money. He envied the peaceful Ram.

One day, Prem called Ram and gave him a boxful of cash saying, “Look my dear friend. I am blessed with plenty of wealth. I find you in poverty. So, take this cash and live in prosperity.”

Ram was overwhelmingly happy. He was joyful throughout the day. Night came. Ram went to bed as usual. But, to day, he could not sleep. He went and closed the doors and windows. He still could not sleep. He began to keep on looking at the box of cash. The whole night he was disturbed.  As soon as day broke, Ram took the box of cash to Prem. He gave away the box to Prem saying, “Dear Friend, I am poor. But, your money took away peace from me. Please bear with me and take back your money.”

Moral of the above story: Money cannot buy everything. You need to learn to be satisfied with what so ever you have and you will always be happy.

As per the Wiki, the phrase Gross National Happiness (GNH); is a phrase coined in 1972 by Bhutan's fourth Dragon King, Jigme Singye Wangchuck. It represents a commitment to building an economy that would serve Bhutan's culture based on Buddhist spiritual values instead of western material development gauged by gross domestic product (GDP). I was reading Times of India newspaper in Apr 2016 and came across a news item which read, Bhutan measures prosperity of its people by GNH and not GDP, Madhya Pradesh chief minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan announced in April 2016 a 'happiness ministry' to measure the state's growth. "The state will be made responsible for happiness and tolerance of its citizens and will rope in psychologists to counsel people how to be always happy," said the chief Minister.   United Arab Emirates (UAE) is the only country to create posts of minister of happiness in the government.

Traditions also play a big role in happiness. I was talking to an elderly person and he narrated an interesting episode. He said one fine morning my grand son came and asked his grand father where are his feet.  His Grand father was surprised but showed him his feet and the grand son touched his grand father’s feet and became visibly very happy.  Grand father asked his grand son why he is happy then grand son replied that my father touches your feet daily in the morning and he is very happy so he (grand son) thought that there must be something good in touching feet. 

The scientific explanation for the happiness derived by touching feet of an elderly person is that when you touch the feet of the elderly, their hearts emit positive thoughts and energy, which they transmit through their hands and toes. In essence, the completed circuit enables flow of energy and increases cosmic energy, switching on a quick connect between two minds and hearts. Your fingers and palms become the ‘receptor’ of energy and the feet of the other person become the ‘giver’ of energy. How true is this I really don’t know. But this is the reason given in Hindu religious books and of course a lot depends on the perception and belief.

A lady who mentors parents in a school told me an interesting episode.  Once she was mentoring about 400 parents in a school when one parent narrated an interesting episode.  He said that recently he saw his elder daughter scolding his younger son the same way I use to scold her.  He realized his mistake and called his daughter and said sorry for his bad behavior.   This brought a lot of happiness to him as his daughter’s behavior towards his son also changed over time bringing happiness to his son also.

Here are a few rules for happiness in a marriage:

·        Both husband and wife should not be angry at the same time,

·        Never yell at each other unless house is on fire,

·        If one has to win an argument then let it be your spouse,

·        If you must need to criticize than it must be done with most care and love,

·        In a discussion never bring up mistakes from the past,

·        Try to resolve an argument and then go to bed,

·        Make it a mandatory habit to at least give compliment to your spouse once a day,

·        When you have done something wrong accept it and ask for forgiveness, and

·        It takes two to make a quarrel and one in wrong does the most talking. So now you know how not to quarrel.

Here are a few interesting quotes on happy marriage:

“Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship.”

Marilyn Monroe

“In a happy marriage it is the wife who provides the climate, the husband the landscape.”

Gerald Brenan

Harvard University recommends 20 habits, which once cultivated are sure to bring happiness in an individual:

·        Be grateful. Have a grateful heart that is appreciative of life’s beauty you’re automatically filled with happiness.

·        Choose your friends carefully.  The most important external factors affecting individual happiness are human relationships. So if you want to be happy, choose friends who are optimistic, who appreciate you as you are, and who can make your life richer, bigger, more fun, and more meaningful.

·        Cultivate compassion. When we try to step into other people’s shoes and understand a situation from another’s point of view, we’re more likely to handle the situation with compassion, objectivity and effectiveness. This approach will help in reducing conflicts and may lead to more happiness.

·        Keep learning. Learning keeps us young and dreams not only help us to think about future but also keep us alive.  

·        Become a problem solver. Happy people are more likely to become problem solvers. When they encounter a challenge in life, they don’t beat themselves up and fall into a depressive state. Instead, they face up to the challenge and channel their energies to find creative solutions.  

·        Do what you love. Since we spend over one-third of our adult life working, loving what we do has a huge impact on our overall happiness.  So do what you most like it is a key to happiness.

·        Live only in the vicinity of the present.  When you feel depressed, you’re living in the past. When you feel worried or anxious, you’re living in the future. But when you feel content, happy and peaceful, you’re living in the present. So always try to live in present.

·        Laugh often. Laughter is the most powerful anecdote to anger or depression. Research has shown that the simple act of curving the corners of your mouth can increase your feeling of happiness.  So try to find humor and laughter in life’s everyday struggles.

·        Practice Forgiveness. Resentment and anger are forms of self-punishment. When you forgive, you’re actually practicing kindness to yourself. So learn to forgive those who have hurt you in the past.  So learn to forgive and become a better person.

·        Say thanks Often. Always be appreciative of the blessings in your life. And it’s equally important to express your appreciation to those who’ve made your life better in some way, big or small. So do not miss any situation where you can say ‘thank you’.

·        Create deeper connections.  Our happiness multiplies when we connect and bond with another human being on a deeper level.  

·        Keep your agreement. Our self-esteem is built on the agreements we’ve made with ourselves. And high self-esteem has a direct correlation to happiness. So keep your agreements with others and with yourself.

·        Meditate: According to Harvard, people who take 8 sessions of mindfulness meditation training are, on average, 20% happier than a control group. Such training can lead to structural brain changes including increased grey-matter density in the hippocampus, known to be important for learning and memory, and in structures associated with self-awareness, compassion and introspection.

·        Focus on what you’re doing. When you put your mind, heart and soul into what you’re doing, you’re creating a happiness state – called the “flow.” When you’re living in the flow, you’re less likely to care about what others may think of you, and less bothered by things that are not that important.

·        Be optimistic. For happy people, the glass is always half-full. Do not imagine the very worst-case scenario every time you face a challenge, and then train yourself to reverse that tendency. Ask yourself what good can come out of the situation or what you can learn from it. Optimism very often leads to success and happiness.

·        Love unconditionally.   Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you need to spend all your time with them or help them figure out their problems. Unconditional love means accepting people as they are, and allowing them to find their own ways, at their own pace.

·        Don’t give up. Unfinished projects and repeated defeats inevitably dampen one’s self-esteem. If you’ve made up your mind to do something, see it through. Don’t give up until you succeed. Remember, failure is temporary but defeat is permanent. And defeat only occurs when you give up.

·        Try your best and then let go. Everyone has limitations, and things don’t always turn out to be what we’d like them to be – despite our efforts. So always give your best in a situation, and then let go. Let events run their course.  

·        Take care of yourself.  A healthy body is the first step towards happiness. If you have poor health, it’s very difficult to be happy no matter how hard you try. However, one can always do well in areas in one’s might, i.e., eat well, exercise and find time to rest. Take good care of your body, your mind and your spirit.

·        Give back.  Doing well is one of the surest ways to feel good.  When people do good, their brains become active in the very same reward center that is stimulated when they experience other rewards.  

Please note that when we talk about happiness in marriage and Harvard suggestions for happiness, many points do overlap and if you learn how to be happy as an Individual then your life will be full of happiness.